Ratboy's REAL Diary
by aImLeSs RaMpAgE
Summary: What happens when Ratboy gets a diary. Full of funny happenings, bad BAD songs, bashing, and one heck of a lot of self-loving praise. Warning: this fic was written while authors were on a high. ENJOY!!! R/R


Disclaimer: We does not own them - anyway, who wants to own ratboy?

AN: It is early at night. We have had chocolate. Need we say more?

Ratboy's Diary (In his mind, not ours…..)

Day One

First day at school. Underwear was stolen by greasy-haired pug-pig on train, and paraded through it. Everyone knows I wear Mini-mouse undies. Sorting hat wanted to send me home, but I bribed it to put me in Gryffindor with the promise of stealing McGonnagall's hat and enchanting it to be alive, so he could marry it. Stupid hat. Never going to give do it. NAHNAH!

Lots of hugs and kisses,

Peter Popular Pettigrew. 

Day three

Am constantly tormented by Snape-git. Have become best buddies with James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin as a result. Am obviously cooler than them, but will not say so as do not want to hurt their feelings. So good to have minions.

Lots of huggiebears and kissiecats,

Petie.

Day fifteen.

Stupid McGonnagall. Gave me detention because I accidentally turned her hat into a dead cockroach. Turns out she's afraid of them. Have dirt on one of the teachers. Exellent.

Loviegoats,

Snugglemuffins.

Day seventy-two.

Got detention from McGonnagall for trying to blackmail her. She said that the whole school knows she hates Cockroaches, and I was a 'twisted little boy with no morals.' She's obviously insane.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXO x infinity,

Petieweetie.

Day ninety-nine.

Was beaten up by Lily Evans for calling her Sugar-Muffin. She said I was a 'stupid git-head who thinks all women are there for your (my) personal use.' Don't know what's getting into females these days. Must be their brains overheating from being allowed to learn things other than how to cook and clean. How society has decayed.

Peter Brain.

Day One-four-three.

Was given detention by McGonnagall for calling her doll, sweetface, and cheekplum. She completely mis-understood the conversation. It went: 

Me: Hey, doll, please don't fail me.

McGonnagall: Don't call me doll.

Me: Sure thing, sweetface. Now about my grade…

McGonnagall: DON'T CALL YOUR TEACHERS PETNAMES!

Me: Whatever, cheekplum…

McGonnagall: DETENTION! AND YOU WILL FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's mad.

Peter, Detention-o-matic.

Day one hundred and fifty-nine.

Made up the Peter theme song. It goes: 

Peter, Peter, he's better than the rest.

He's got drive and a hairless chest.

He's better at school,

And he's oh so cool,

Peter, Peter, he's the best!

See, even if Sirius did call me a 'moron with shit for a brain', I can still write better poetry.

Peter, poet extraordinair.

Next day.

Hahaha, Peter, I (Sirius) have stolen your diary, and since your poem was oh so terrible, I'll just have to rewrite it.

Peter, Peter, he's worse than pond scum,

He's got earwax and a furry bum.

He;s a terrible poet,

And oh don't we know it.

Petter, Peter, he's so dumb.

No hard feelings,

Sirius.

Day one hundred and sixty-one.

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, SIRIUS!

Day one hundred and seventy.

Got detention for trying to shove Sirius face down into the swelling potion. Unfortunately, our struggles knocked over the cauldron, and it spilt all over Lily, and ALL her body parts swelled (she was thrice as large as usual), and she beat me. Again.

Peter, the bruiséd and battered.

Day two hundred and three.

Caught Filch in a broom cupboard with a funny looking chicken. I don't want to know.

Peter, the nauseated beyond belief. 

Next day.

What _is_ this person? Is it a moron? It is an ignoramus? No! It's a filthy halfblooded jerk! Stupid git didn't even have the decency to put any secrets in this pathetic excuse for a diary. My fingers and eyes will be scarred for life.

Malfoy, Luciousousiousis Malfoy.

Day two hundred and eighty-six.

Finally found my diary in the bottom of Pig-for-brain Malfoy's undies draw. Stupid git. I'll get him for stealing MY diary.

Incensed Pete.

Last day of school year.

LALALA… I'm FREE! FREEE AS A BIRD!!!! WAHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!!!!!

Goals for next year: 

Get a girlfriend, any girlfriend.

Not get beaten up by Lily.

Don't have my dairy stolen.

Change underwear.

Kill Sirius, Malfoy, Crabbe/Goyle (I can't tell them apart), Remus, James, Lily, McGonnagall, Filch, Snape, Dumbledore (He shouldn't have said I was a bad boy for shaving Malfoy's head while he slept and tattooing it), all of Slytherin, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw.

Remove all funny looking chickens from the castle.

Find and destroy Hagrid's dog.

Buy more hair gel.

Peter, free as a bird and out for revenge.

Well, that was the FIRST chapter. You get SEVEN more!! HAHAHAAAAAAA!!!

Oh god no…. she got into the choclaye box again… RUN AWAY!!!!!!! While you still can…. *runs away*


End file.
